How I Found My Soulmate, Part 3: Addressing My Inner Demons

That is half 3 of my 7-part sequence the place I share my love journey, how I met my soulmate, and how one can appeal to genuine love as nicely. In case you are new to this sequence, learn Half 1: My Journey in Love first.

Having fun with a quiet second collectively (Picture from our Glasgow Engagement Shoot)

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Private Fears I Needed to Deal with

As Ken and I grew nearer, I contemplated many occasions whether or not to shut him off. These ideas had nothing to do with him and every part to do with myself.

Thought #1: “Is He a Participant?”

My first thought was whether or not he was a participant. Why? As a result of he appeared too good to be true.

Throughout the first few days we began messaging, Ken talked about that he had been clubbing incessantly (thrice per week). That threw me off as I’ve by no means discovered golf equipment to be the place for good dialog and which means connections — they appear extra for booze, sleazy pickups, “meaty” contact, and sexual trysts.


Ken’s Fb cowl picture (no kidding) at the moment. Who places a clubbing picture as their cowl picture until they’re some hard-core clubbers who membership for intercourse and what not??

Why is he clubbing so usually? Is he selecting up women each different night time? I questioned. Am I one of many many ladies he’s messaging proper now?

I used to be additionally cautious of how good and pleasant he was. This might both imply that (a) he was very variety and delicate (which might make him an actual catch) or (b) he was some tremendous clean participant who knew his method with women as a result of he had seen one too many ladies.

(b) appeared extra probably as a result of I already knew him to be charming again in college. Add that he (i) was the chairman of a preferred committee, (ii) participated and received runner-up in a male modeling pageant, and (iii) had a minimum of one girlfriend earlier than (the one I noticed from my bus cease sighting), and it was arduous for me to consider that this man would nonetheless be single.

Absolutely he has no hassle assembly women, courting them, and profitable their hearts, I assumed.

My conclusion was he was in all probability a participant and I used to be simply one of many many ladies he was messaging.

So a number of days after we started messaging forwards and backwards, I ended replying. :/ I didn’t need to be one of many many ladies he was hitting on. I didn’t need to be one other woman on his messaging listing. I didn’t need to be disregarded as a girl, void of my worth.

I didn’t need to be harm once more.

Girl biting lip

Nonetheless, after I began ignoring his messages, I started to really feel misaligned.

  1. Firstly, I noticed I used to be performing from a spot of concern, not love. By following my fears, I might solely field myself right into a actuality the place I thought I used to be secure — nonetheless, I wouldn’t be. It could solely stifle my true self, true needs, and actual life.

    Like I discussed in Do You Deal with Courting as a Recreation?, I slightly put myself on the market, let my coronary heart get sliced, diced and handed to me on a platter, than be evasive out of the concern of getting harm. Concern isn’t what I need to stay by; love is. Whereas following my fears might preserve me secure, they are going to by no means make me glad. I don’t need that.

  2. Secondly, I used to be faulting Ken for (a) being trustworthy about his clubbing (which may nicely be a real pastime) and (b) being pleasant. Up until that time, he had not finished something to deserve doubt. One, he had been very dependable and immediate in returning my messages. Two, he had been totally open in his sharing. Three, he had really not tried to hit on me in any respect. These had been non-player indicators.
  3. Thirdly, even when he’s clubbing to select up women and is messaging a gazillion girls proper now, I assumed, who’s to say he can’t do this? He’s single and free to do no matter he desires. I’m simply an acquaintance. He doesn’t owe me something.

I assumed if he was messaging me as one in every of many ladies to hit on… then the joke was on me. I might must be smarter subsequent time. Nonetheless, till that was revealed, I shouldn’t shut myself off. I wouldn’t be truthful to me (or him) in any other case. Who is aware of, I could also be shutting off a wonderfully nice connection.

So after ignoring him for 2 days, I returned his message, which then continued our back-and-forth messaging.

Thought #2: “He’s Not Concerned about Me and I’m Simply Imagining All of This”

Provided that I had been harm by non-serious guys earlier than, I had misplaced a lot religion in my evaluation of a man’s curiosity (in me). I used to be uninterested in being led on by guys who behave in a non-platonic method, solely to get crushed later once they didn’t reciprocate my intentions.

So I developed this coverage: All the time assume a man is just not until confirmed in any other case. For instance, him expressing his emotions, asking me out consecutively on dates, discussing our future collectively, and so forth. To assume in any other case could be delusional.

Therefore, I consistently assumed that Ken wasn’t though his messages had been more and more suggesting in any other case.

Ken sharing that he has never chatted so much on Whatsapp with anyone before

April 15: One week after his first message, he shared that he has by no means chatted a lot with anybody on Whatsapp earlier than

Ken suggesting to make salads for me next time

April 18: Three days later, Ken prompt making salads for me after I stated I like salads

Ken's dream of me at some hilltop

April 29: Ken instructed me that he dreamt of me regardless of hardly ever dreaming (or slightly, hardly ever remembering his goals since people dream every single day)

It didn’t assist that our connection began from a trivial “hello.” If our connection will be fashioned from one thing so simple as a “hello”, what’s to say that he isn’t forming such connections with different women proper now? I used to be skeptical of the energy of our connection although I critically doubted he may recreate it with some other woman.

So bent on believing he wasn’t that I held again at first.

I attempted to not pay an excessive amount of consideration to his messages. I assumed he was a pleasant man who would drop out of my life someday. Possibly that is only a part, I assumed.

I ignored indicators that prompt curiosity. For instance, as soon as he despatched me a nighttime lullaby he sang whereas I used to be on the night time bus to Cape City. I merely assumed he had despatched that lullaby to a number of women or he had recorded it a yr in the past and had been sending it to totally different women to woo them. One other instance is the extent to which we had been chatting — he would message me fairly readily and incessantly all through the day. Many individuals, particularly grown males of their early 30s, do not message this a lot until it’s with somebody of significance to them (or they haven’t any life). I merely assumed Ken was chatting this a lot with a number of different women and I wasn’t the one one.

I additionally assumed his messages, nonetheless good, had been frivolous niceties he would say to anybody else.

For each good factor he stated, I might assume he was taking part in lip service. For each good factor he did, I might downplay it as one thing he would do to some other woman/individual. I used to be my largest satan advocate, capturing down every part that prompt this good man would possibly really be focused on small little me.

Depressed girl

Nonetheless, I steadily realized that identical to with my first concern, I used to be jeopardizing our connection by being a skeptic.

Firstly, no matter his curiosity, I felt that he was a pleasant individual and I preferred our exchanges. Romance apart, this can be a connection I need to additional, I assumed. Even when it’s purely platonic, I need to construct on our connection. Whether or not issues would flip romantic was completely irrelevant.

Subsequent, given that each connection is organically created by its constituents and I’m one half of our connection, by consistently pondering that he wasn’t , I may nicely be making a self-fulfilling prophecy. For instance, by turning a blind eye to all his niceties and treating him as only a pal, he may lose curiosity after some time even when he was within the first place. I might then be my very own sabotager.

Not eager to have an effect on the pure course of occasions, I began following my coronary heart and letting it cleared the path. I started opening up by responding extra promptly and brazenly. I started sharing extra of my actual self by sharing extra of my day by day actions and private opinions. I started to do particular issues like purchase goodies for him after I returned residence as a result of I wished him to know I cared. I started to look ahead to his messages every single day like just a little woman.

Shy girl

For me, I used to be doing these issues as a result of I wished to and never as a result of I used to be anticipating some final result. It didn’t matter even when he was not in the long run; I simply wished to construct on the connection we had.

Whether or not we’ll proceed to be associates or in any other case, it’s going to reveal itself in time, I assumed.

Lastly Again Dwelling

After over two weeks of steady Whatsapping, I returned residence to Singapore on 24 April. By then, Ken had invited me to a BBQ gathering together with his good associates on 27 April.

BBQ Gathering (27 April)

The BBQ went nicely. I met his associates, met his mother (by likelihood), visited his home (the place he made a salad for me), noticed his room (the place he has been dwelling in since he was a child), and noticed how he interacted together with his associates and mother.

I additionally received to satisfy and speak to Ken in individual in spite of everything this messaging.

By then, it was clear that Ken isn’t a participant, as a result of no actual participant will (a) convey you to a non-public outing together with his shut childhood associates who introduced their long-term girlfriends / wives alongside, (b) allow you to into his personal house (e.g. his residence the place his dad and mom stay and his room which is his abode), not to mention (c) introduce you to his dad or mum(s). This was on high of his dependable, trustworthy, and empathetic responses to all my textual content messages every single day for the previous three weeks.

The clubbing concern I had initially had additionally been addressed early on, as Ken revealed (in our pure dialog) that he golf equipment as a result of he’s genuinely focused on music and dancing. Pickups and assembly women, he completely has no curiosity and was even regarded as homosexual by his clubbing associates as a result of he by no means approaches or seems to be at women whereas clubbing.

Finish of the BBQ

As Ken had one other appointment that night time (which he invited me to however I declined), we bade farewell after the BBQ, with intentions to satisfy quickly to look at Iron Man 3.

By then although, I used to be freaking the **** out of my life.

As a result of for the primary time in my life, I used to be nearer to a relationship than I had ever been. I used to be not coping with an emotionally unavailable man or a man who wasn’t a match with what I used to be in search of. Neither was I not  within the man (which was normally my barrier to getting connected).

For the primary time in my life, I had no excuse to stay single.

The Concern of Lastly Getting right into a Relationship

Engagement shoot: Heart-shaped fingers

Us at a park. We regularly make heart-shaped indicators to one another. (That’s my birthmark on my index finger!)

I’ve already addressed a truckload of points prior to now few years of my progress journey, together with inferiority with my femininity, being afraid to intimidate males, not recognizing my very own magnificence, physique picture points, emotional consuming, grievances with my dad and mom, and points with being ignored.

Processing these points have helped me develop as a human/lady. They’ve additionally helped me get nearer to a aware relationship.

Nonetheless, being single for my complete 28-year life has made me extraordinarily comfy with singlehood. Prior to now 28 years, I’ve discovered methods to be glad as a single. I’ve discovered what to anticipate in life as a single. I’ve discovered methods to stay as a single. I’ve discovered what it’s prefer to be free and never be connected to anyone.

However being connected? That I didn’t know. I had no reference level besides from couple associates and reveals/motion pictures. Even then these aren’t my private experiences; these are others’.

Ken had not requested me to be his girlfriend at this level, however that didn’t cease me from freaking out. I knew we had been going to move this manner quickly if I didn’t put a stopper to issues. So freaked out I used to be that I needed to name my pal W after the BBQ outing to air my considerations. We ended up speaking for over an hour as I lingered at my home void deck late into the night time.

Conflicted girl

Deep down, I knew that Ken is a good man and he’s the most effective individual I can ever get right into a relationship with, if I used to be to get into one. A lot of my fears had extra to do with my resistance with getting right into a relationship than about him.

Nonetheless, I wished to be sure that we had the foundational components for a profitable relationship, if we had been to get collectively. I didn’t need to enter right into a relationship solely to separate up a short time later — this may be a waste of my (and his) time and power. If I’m to be with anybody, I need to make certain that the connection has long-term potential — and I will even do no matter it takes to make issues work out.

So then I sought to confirm that by the a method I understand how — by asking questions. ^_^*

A 5-Spherical Interrogation

I already knew that Ken is dependable, delicate, variety, caring, candy, and many others. (in any other case we wouldn’t have gotten so shut). What I wanted to know had been the opposite dimensions of his character (together with his previous self, his persona as a boyfriend/relationship companion, and his values system) and uncover any potential red-flag points that may forestall us from having a profitable relationship forward.

I started asking Ken questions to know him on a deeper stage and to tease out our compatibility as a pair — and even, as companions in life.

Steady Questions… One after One other

Whereas I used to be initially simply sneaking the questions into our day by day conversations, Ken’s utter and full openness in answering my questions inspired me to dish out my queries brazenly.

I didn’t have the questions written out — they kind of simply popped out one after the other as we chatted. I requested him about his previous relationships, why they ended, his beliefs in life, amongst many different questions. With every reply, I might assume by it rigorously and chew on it within the context of his life and our relationship (if we had been to get collectively).

If I ever noticed a red-flag situation like his smoking (extra on that partly 4), variations in our non secular alignments, or how he approached his previous relationships, I might probe till I had retrieved sufficient data for my choice making. I didn’t depart any stone unturned nor any crevice unexplored. I used to be looking out for blocks which might probably cease us from constructing the best connection potential.

His Admirable Composure

Apparently, even after I was asking probably the most troublesome, delicate, or intrusive of questions, he remained calm. He was very forthcoming and would reply my questions totally, readily, and actually — even when it meant revealing issues he was not so happy with earlier than; issues which might put him at an obstacle (in me contemplating him as a romantic companion).

Whereas any man would have felt intimidated and backed off inside the first 10 minutes of such probing (a lot much less a number of rounds), Ken didn’t. He by no means confirmed any hesitance, discomfort, nor unhappiness on the vary and depth of my questions.

It was as if he appreciated my questions and wished me to ask extra. And since he was so open in addressing my questions, I assumed, Okay, why not simply ask some extra? And so I did.

After one of my "interrogation" rounds to Ken :)

After one in every of my “interrogations” LOL

The “interrogations” occurred over Whatsapp, telephone, and in-person dialog. Every session normally lasted an hour, typically an hour and a half. I might cease each time I received the solutions I wanted for the day, chew on the responses he gave me, then return the following day with extra questions.

Remaining Spherical

On 4 Might (by then Ken had already answered a truckload of questions), we met for a late night time out together with his associates, after which we went for supper.

After his associates went residence, we lingered round to talk. I nonetheless keep in mind that we had been on the seats in entrance of a shopping center. After an hour or so, he not directly requested me to be his girlfriend, after which I dished out my remaining questions earlier than commenting on something.

This was the primary time I noticed him sweat in individual. XD

Holding hands :)

At Loch Lomond in Scotland 🙂

Then on Might 5, after half-hour of ultimate grilling (and 4 separate “interrogation” periods which occurred earlier that week), I had no extra questions left. I used to be glad with all of Ken’s responses to every part which I had requested and I used to be lastly able to be in a relationship with him.

Ken had allayed all of my fears and reservations together with his affected person and forthcoming solutions and had helped me to maneuver to the following step of our connection. 🙂

A New Part of Our Relationship; A Place of Uncertainty

Whereas we had gotten collectively, I wasn’t certain how issues would work out since this was a brand new part in our connection.

I instructed Ken to view our new standing as experimental and he was free to depart if he realized at any level that this relationship wasn’t what he was wanting — similar for me as nicely. I didn’t need both of us to really feel like we wanted to remain connected simply due to our new labels of “girlfriend” and “boyfriend.”

I didn’t know if our relationship would final and the way lengthy it will go for, though he’s positively my finest match I had met my complete life. I used to be ready to go all the way in which to make issues work out, however on the similar time I didn’t need to pressure issues if there have been basic points (regardless of all my grilling to uncover them).

It wouldn’t be lengthy earlier than I noticed this man is the one for me without end.

Engagement shoot: Hand in hand, together forever

Proceed to half 4, the place I share how I noticed Ken is my soulmate in life: Half 4: How I Realized My Husband Is The One For Me.

That is half 3 of my 7-part sequence the place I share my love journey, how I met my soulmate, and how one can appeal to genuine love as nicely.

(Photographs: Lady biting lip, Depressed woman, Shy woman, Conflicted woman, Pictures of Ken and I from our Glasgow Engagement Shoot)

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