How To Find Love: 10 Steps To Attract Authentic Love

That is half 6 of my 7-part sequence the place I share my love journey, how I met my soulmate, and how one can appeal to genuine love as effectively.

Notice from Celes: After over every week of hiatus, right here’s the newest installment within the soulmate sequence! In the present day’s information is on the best way to appeal to genuine love. 🙂 It took for much longer than I anticipated as a result of there’s simply a lot I’ve to say and I needed to verify I used to be writing it in one of the simplest ways attainable for all of you! I’m glad to lastly publish it as we speak. 🙂 I hope you’ll discover this handy!

Discovering love isn’t meant to be simple.

Earlier than I obtained along with Ken, I went by 28 years with no success in my love journey (as I’ve shared in elements 1 and a pair of). Ken, 32 after we reconnected, didn’t have any luck both previous to that: he had spent 9 years in back-to-back relationships and a pair of years casually assembly extra women. Whereas he had met and been with women of all seems and characters, not one of the relationships fulfilled him (which was why they might at all times finish sooner or later).

It was solely after we reacquainted that our “search” ended.

I don’t assume we must always overtly search love because it’s not the direct results of discovering it. Some folks spend their complete lives looking for love however by no means get wherever, whereas some appeal to love with ease with out in search of it. Clearly, there are different elements concerned. And I’m right here to share them as we speak.

In as we speak’s information, I share 10 essential steps which have introduced love into my life. I really wrote and printed this information final Might after I was nonetheless single (it was simply 8 steps then). Following my recommendation introduced like to me a yr later. 🙂

I’ve rewritten this text and added 2 extra steps given the good thing about hindsight. At virtually 5,000 phrases lengthy (really longer in the event you depend the associated articles linked in some steps), that is really your one-stop information to discovering love.

Bookmark this piece and apply the steps. They’ve labored for me and they’ll make it easier to appeal to to the love you deserve. Good luck. 🙂

1. Search a relationship out of affection (not concern)

Girl smiling

Concern-Primarily based Motivations

Many individuals as we speak search a relationship out of concern. Causes like not eager to really feel lonely, not eager to be alone, not eager to be left on the shelf, conforming to society’s expectations, appeasing mother and father’ considerations, eager to be cherished, eager to really feel “full”, eager to have a accomplice to “showcase” to buddies, and never eager to be the one single left amongst coupled buddies are fear-based motivations for a relationship.

Nevertheless, in doing/considering so, you appeal to fear-based folks: companions who manipulate, companions who abuse you (not simply bodily but in addition emotionally), and/or companions to criticize you and take you as a right. After some time, you might really feel you’re higher off single than with these folks.

My Instance with Man N

Earlier than I reconnected with Ken, I used to be in an sad reference to poisonous man N.

With good cause too. A sliver of me was in search of love with fearful intentions: I used to be apprehensive that I’d by no means discover somebody (I really like) and I didn’t wish to dwell life by no means having been in a severe relationship. In brief, I used to be in search of a relationship for the sake of it.

Therefore, I held on to that poisonous connection although N was one of many worst folks I had ever met. Solely when he pushed my limits many times did I understand that he was most cancers. I promptly launched him and with that, my concern that I’d by no means be connected.

I spotted it didn’t matter if I have been to stay single perpetually as a result of my life happiness and achievement weren’t depending on my relationship standing. I didn’t wish to dwell in anticipation of assembly somebody anymore; it was exhausting.

As life would have it, Ken entered my life proper after I dropped my fear-based intentions for a relationship and embraced it 100% with religion, purity, and love.

Love-Primarily based Motivations

So what are love-based motivations then? While you wish to be with somebody as a result of…

  1. … you like somebody for him/her, for all his/her traits and oddities (vs. quelling your loneliness or for companionship).
  2. … you might be pleased and entire as your self and you are feeling even happier with him/her. You acknowledge a relationship is about forming a union bigger than its particular person elements, to not full somebody.
  3. … you see a excessive degree of compatibility between you and him/her. You wish to kind a acutely aware, constructive reference to him/her and elevate in life collectively.

Discover these causes are rooted in wholeness, betterment, authenticity, and abundance, in contrast to fear-based causes that are rooted in shortage, neediness, lack and concern. The previous is what a relationship about, the place the latter treats relationships as a device to patch points. Method relationships with love- not fear-based intentions.

2. Be your greatest self (Change for your self, to not get somebody to love you)

Girl blowing dandelion

Many people are responsible of restraining, altering ourselves to enchantment to the opposite gender. I used to do that as shared in Why I Used To Be Afraid of Intimidating Males and Why It Does Not Faze Me Anymore.

Nevertheless, doing so left me drained and sad. I’d at all times be delicate about what I mentioned/did as a result of I didn’t wish to “make a flawed transfer” and switch off the man. Clearly, this strategy was unsustainable.

It didn’t take me lengthy to understand there has by no means something flawed with me. If a man is intimidated by my pure conduct with out me attempting to take action, that merely means we’re not suitable, whether or not as buddies or companions, I spotted. It’s not about drive becoming myself to such guys, however about getting on the market to fulfill extra suitable males who have fun my character and success.

And so I did, after which I spotted there are tons of men on the market who have fun robust, opinionated females with nice careers. I simply wasn’t seeing them earlier than as a result of I used to be attempting to drive match myself round me slightly than getting on the market to fulfill new guys.

Appeal to Love by Being the Greatest You

When it’s a must to alter or restrain your self to get somebody to love you, chances are high the particular person was by no means suitable together with your true self. You additionally enter a dilemma of whether or not to proceed your faux persona to keep up the particular person’s curiosity (however dwell a lie) or reveal your actual self to be true to your self (however danger shedding the particular person’s curiosity). Both method is a lose.

What you need is a accomplice who loves you as you and whom you will be your highest self with, not somebody whom it’s a must to challenge a faux persona round.

To have that, first be snug in your individual pores and skin. You’ll be able to’t anticipate others to like you in the event you don’t love your self first. As Ayn Rand as soon as mentioned, “To say ‘I really like you’ one should first have the ability to say the ‘I’.” Learn: How To Be The Most Assured Particular person In The World

Try to be the very best you. Shed extra pounds, look good, be form, excel in your profession, and attempt for private achievements, however do them for your self, not others.

Then, be your self round others. Your real love can’t fall in love with the actual you in the event you’re hiding behind a entrance! By sporting your actual character with pleasure, you filter away unhealthy matches and appeal to individuals who resonate with the actual you. Even when some don’t take a liking in the direction of you, that’s advantageous: not everybody goes to love you and it could additionally imply they have been by no means a match within the first place.

Keep in mind, your goal isn’t to draw the world, however to draw the correct one for you. It will solely occur while you’re first embracing your true self.


3. Stay your greatest life. Don’t put it on maintain for love.

All through my love journey, I attempted 2 totally different approaches: (a) overtly placing myself on the market with numerous dates and meetups, and (b) dwelling my life, pursuing my objectives, and being open to courting alongside the way in which. 

What helped me to seek out love finally wasn’t (a) however (b).

Why Would Love “Discover” You With out You Trying For It?

So that is the place I wish to make clear and say that (b) isn’t not fascinated by courting/love and blocking them out of your life. Fairly, (b) is about dwelling your life as you’d, pursuing your highest objectives, after which courting as your self. Not making courting the singular purpose, however slightly, an accent that enhances.

So whereas it could seem counterintuitive that love will come to you while you aren’t actively in search of it out like in (a) state of affairs, it isn’t.

Firstly, while you dwell your life to the fullest and change into your highest self, you shine your brightest. You radiate and magnetize folks in a method you by no means would if you weren’t dwelling your path. Individuals, particularly like-minded folks, gravitate to you even in the event you aren’t in search of them. This naturally units you as much as meet proper matches.

Secondly, while you comply with your path, you emit an aura so robust that it’s projected to your complete universe. This aura attracts like-souls — folks vibrating on the identical degree of consciousness and who’re acutely aware, constructive, and on their path — even when they’re on the alternative aspect of the planet.

Galaxy of Molecules, All Vibrating at Completely different Ranges

That could be laborious to wrap your head round particularly in the event you are likely to see the world as purely a bodily one, so I’ll attempt to clarify with an analogy.

You understand how there are totally different types of power on the planet? Warmth power, gentle power, kinetic power, electrical power, and many others.

Nicely, we’re no totally different: we’re actually power with a bodily kind. All the pieces we see — from crops, to animals, to people, to things —  are molecules vibrating at totally different power ranges on the empirical degree. Our vibrations change relying on our consciousness.

Which means that the universe is basically made up of gazillions of power molecules, all vibrating and shifting in their very own trajectories.


After we talk about soulmates, they’re merely molecules like us on the market — wherever they’re — ready to stumble upon us and reunite. Even in the event you don’t consider in soulmates, consider love as a course of the place 2 molecules (individuals) with comparable vibrations gravitate in the direction of one another and kind an entire. It’s the identical factor.

Similar to 2 magnets pull in the direction of one another due to their magnetic properties, you and your soul’s match gravitate in the direction of one another when each of you vibrate on the identical consciousness degree. Clearly your bodily distance will have an effect on how briskly you meet: If you’re already in the identical room, it wouldn’t take lengthy so that you can gravitate in the direction of one another. However, in the event you’re at reverse ends of the planet, it’s going to take a short time extra.

Regardless, it wouldn’t change the eventual consequence, which is that each of you will meet at one level. However this could solely occur if you’re first dwelling your path and being your highest self. In any other case, you’ll by no means vibrate at your highest consciousness degree to draw your soul’s match.

Reacquaintance of Me and Ken: A Match in Our Consciousness

That’s why it was no coincidence that Ken entered my life proper after I made a decision to dwell my life over in search of love (in February 2013). He messaged me on Whatsapp one advantageous day after I was in South Africa, over 9,000 km away from sunny Singapore, as a result of he had a “sudden thought to arrange his cellphone contacts checklist” — one thing he not often does. 

The way in which I see it’s this: we had self-actualized on our paths, have been lastly vibrating on the proper consciousness degree and have been able to obtain one another in our lives.

However, nothing occurred throughout the 2 instances we bodily met previously — as soon as in college 9 years in the past, and one other time on the streets 4.5 years in the past. As a result of we had not come into our personal but, we weren’t able to change into lovers.

On hindsight, our earlier conferences have been like my spirit guides’ method of winking at me and letting me know that love has at all times been in my path. 😉 It’s humorous considering again to all of the instances after I would surprise out loud with my lady buddies as as to whether there’s anybody on the market for me. I used to be simply not receiving love in these instances as a result of I used to be not prepared for this soulmate connection. If I had gotten along with Ken at any level earlier, the potential of our relationship would have been vastly capped.

Would Ken have reappeared if I had not come to my realization to dwell my life over discovering love in February? Perhaps sure, possibly no. Even when he did reappear, I don’t assume issues would have taken off, identical to they didn’t throughout our first 2 “hi-bye” encounters. Ken and I lastly met and obtained collectively as a result of I used to be 100% on my path and able to obtain love consciously and totally with out fear-based intentions (as was he).

The best way to Stay Your Greatest Life

So how does one begin to dwell his/her greatest life? Some steps to get began:

  1. Uncover your life objective. Stay according to it on daily basis. Learn: How To Discover Your Life Goal (7-part sequence)
  2. Design your ultimate life. How would your life be? What would you be doing? How will you transfer in the direction of this life as we speak?
  3. Set your life objectives. What are your greatest objectives and ambitions? (They need to correlate together with your ultimate life.) What do you wish to accomplish within the subsequent 1, 3, and 5 years?
  4. Create motion plans to understand your high objectives.
  5. Then, take motion.

Try Stay a Higher Life in 30 Days Program (30DLBL), my premium life transformation program to dwell your greatest life in simply 30 days. It consists of 30 transformational duties to be accomplished one per day, together with duties like uncover your ultimate life, set your life objectives, create your motion plan, uncover you life objective, create your life handbook, and extra.

4. Search love, however don’t deal with it as a purpose

A few of us might need intentions to marry or have children by X age after we have been younger.

I bear in mind buddies who spoke of relationships this fashion after we have been youthful: “Okay, I wish to get married by 28, so I ought to date after I’m 25 and have a steady profession. I’ll have one yr so far and select a accomplice, one yr to know him and decide if he’s the correct one for me, and one yr of engagement earlier than we get married. Then after marrying, we will have some non-public area earlier than beginning a household after I’m 30 or 31.”

A few of you might chortle studying this, however that’s as a result of it’s so true to life. Many individuals put a timeline to like (be it getting right into a relationship or marriage) and quantify it right into a binary purpose to be achieved. “Have you ever gotten a boyfriend but?” “When is it your flip to marry?” “I want to have a boyfriend earlier than my subsequent birthday” are feedback that proliferate conversations as we speak.

After I was 13 or 14, I began to surprise if I’d meet my particular somebody earlier than my subsequent birthday. Sailor Moon was my favourite anime and he or she met her love (Mamoru) in her high-school years, so I puzzled if this may occur to me too.

Clearly it didn’t. This thought would proceed to emerge yearly although, normally close to my birthday because it was a reminder that I used to be getting older however nonetheless barren in my love life. This mindset actually did nothing however enhance my anxiousness and urge to get on the market and search for somebody.

As you have got learn from my love story, I didn’t meet anybody (whom I’d wish to be with) after I was proactively in search of love. Paradoxically, it was after I stopped trying that love occurred.

Whereas it’s good to mean for love as power goes the place intention flows, love isn’t a purpose to be achieved. You’ll be able to’t management while you discover love and who falls in love with you although you CAN be proactive about making it occur (see step #7). To deal with love as a purpose can be to restrict and diminish it when it’s grander and extra pervasive than that.

Silhouette of a couple during sunrise

Deal with love as what it’s — an all-encompassing, formless, timeless, and common high quality that defies time and area — and you’ll quickly appeal to love in its highest kind.

5. Understand that love is throughout you

As you search love, don’t miss the love that’s round you and that has at all times been there.

Out of your mother and father loving and caring for you, to buddies displaying care and concern, to co-workers supporting you at work, to academics/mentors teaching you, to strangers lending a serving to hand while you want it, to your larger self and spirit guides searching for you since earlier than you have been born, you might be surrounded by love each second, each minute and each hour of on daily basis.

Whereas these aren’t romantic love, they’re love all the identical: love between the dad or mum and youngster, love between buddies, love between colleagues, love between the instructor and scholar, love between people, love between your spirit guides and also you, and self-love.

Even round you, love is going on on a regular basis. From little children enjoying on the sector, to folks taking their children to highschool, to the aged couple strolling within the park, to the couple hanging out on the cafe, these are all love in motion.

Best friends cuddling

Don’t limit your thoughts to only seeing romantic love. Acknowledge the love earlier than you that’s in numerous types. Embrace all of them. And be pleased about them. In case you don’t first acknowledge, settle for, and admire the love round you, then how will you anticipate the universe to ship extra love your method? Solely by doing so, will you present the world that you’re able to obtain extra love into your life.


6. Acknowledge that you’re full

While you have been born, you have been blessed with a bodily physique to expertise life on earth. From working lungs, to a beating coronary heart, to an clever thoughts, to a working physique, you have got every part it takes to thrive.

But, we are sometimes led to consider that we’re incomplete whether or not by books, tv reveals, or romance films. We’re instructed that love is important to finish us. Sadly, that is unhealthy considering which leaves us feeling like we’re lacking one thing and causes us to yearn for a relationship ever so usually.

Learn: Are You Trying For A Relationship To Full Your self?

In case you really feel incomplete and you’ve got this intense have to “get on the market and discover love”, ask your self: What’s it that I’m looking for? Likelihood is, you aren’t looking for love. You’re simply looking for your self, or slightly, the love, achievement, happiness, enjoyable, or objective that you simply’re lacking on the within. All you are attempting to do is to make use of a relationship to fill your internal void(s).

Even in the event you get along with somebody, these points won’t ever go away. They’ll merely be carried into the connection, resulting in future ache for you and your accomplice. Anticipate points to come up in a while, reminiscent of codependency, clinginess, possessiveness, imposing views, unhealthy expectations, and deep-seated disgruntlement with one another.

So, establish your voids now and handle them. I’ve written extra in How Can I Cease Feeling Lonely? Don’t search a relationship to unravel your issues as a result of it gained’t obtain that.

Fairly, the earlier you remedy your voids, the earlier you change into entire, and the earlier you appeal to different full beings to create your greatest relationship ever. A relationship that’s constructed by 2 full people with impartial considering and personalities and that’s bigger than the sum of its particular person elements.

Yin Yang

Yin and yang, 2 dualities mixed to create a synergistic entire.

7. Play your half in making love occur

When you work on being your greatest self (step #2) and dwelling your greatest life (step #3), play your half in making love occur. Like I discussed in 5 Myths Protecting You from Discovering Love, you’ll be able to’t anticipate your accomplice to leap out of the tv set (no The Ring, please) or pop of your desires when you’re sleeping (no A Nightmare on Elm Avenue too).

Get on the market and meet folks. Attend social gatherings. Be a part of curiosity teams. Date. Be open to being arrange on dates. Attempt on-line courting. Courting businesses are value a shot too in the event you’re up for it (I attempted it earlier than although it didn’t actually work for me). Don’t shut off alternatives to fulfill new folks.


Then as you meet folks you want, strategy them. Provoke dialog. Foster a connection. And comply with up. Construct on the connections with those that reciprocate.


As for individuals who present curiosity, get to know them higher. Reciprocate in the event you share the identical emotions.

The purpose is, be proactive. Love is a 2-way effort, not a one-way course of the place the man/lady finds and chases after you. Simply as others put themselves on the market to make love occur, it’s a must to play your half too.

8. Don’t maintain constricted views on how love needs to be

“I’ll solely date somebody outdoors of my office.”

“He should textual content me earlier than and after every date to indicate his curiosity.”

“I’ll by no means exit on a date with somebody who asks me out lower than 3 days prematurely.”

“If a man doesn’t comply with up after every week, he’s not inside my consideration set anymore.”

Ever heard these statements earlier than? I’ve, or at the very least a variation of them. Many individuals have expectations on how they need love to look and develop, ala When Harry Met Sally….

Sadly, these expectations may hinder you from receiving love.

I like to recommend you to not maintain constricted views on how love ought to manifest, however depart your self open to totally different manners and kinds it may well seem. It’s extra essential that you simply put on your coronary heart in your sleeve and obtain love because it seems.

Learn: Do You Deal with Courting as a Sport? 

9. Be away from your high standards in a accomplice

Baby pointing finger

, if I had anticipated Ken to match as much as my imaginative and prescient of a really perfect accomplice in the beginning, I most likely would have by no means gotten along with him.

That’s as a result of my ultimate accomplice needs to be 100% psychological/mental suitable with me (on high of the opposite elements). I didn’t know if Ken was a psychological/mental match previous to us getting collectively; it didn’t really feel like he was.

Fortunately I internally clarified my high standards — kindness and emotional sensitivity — and gave the connection a go since Ken topped these 2 standards (and extra). It didn’t take lengthy for me to understand that we have been meant to be collectively all alongside. ♥

(Paradoxically Ken turned out to be my excellent psychological/mental match and therefore, every part I’d ever need in my ultimate accomplice. Even when he didn’t, it wouldn’t have mattered as a result of I had already determined that this issue wasn’t 100% essential.)

If in case you have a gazillion stuff you need in a accomplice, then you might be… most likely by no means going to anybody you’ll like. Whereas you’ll have 10 to twenty standards in a man/lady, however solely a pair actually matter on the finish of the day.

Right here’s an instance, and a query for you: If you’re to spend the remainder of your life with somebody, what’s going to matter to you? Whether or not he/she will probably be there with you thru life, in illness and good well being, or whether or not he/she is of X peak and weight as we speak? (The latter (weight) isn’t going to remain the identical over time anyway.) One thing to consider.

So, determine what are your high standards in a accomplice. Slender all the way down to 1–2 standards. Then let go of the remainder as a result of they have been by no means essential within the first place. When assessing future prospects, achieve this in opposition to your high standards: nothing extra, nothing much less.

10. Nurture slightly than terminate

All through your love journey, undertake a nurturing mindset, not a terminalistic one.

Flower bud

A nurturing mindset is one the place you give attention to the stuff you like (in regards to the particular person), the potential of your relationship, and rising the reference to the particular person. You have fun what’s there and work on constructing the connection additional.

A terminalistic mindset alternatively is the place you choose somebody by what you see, make early (normally unfavorable) conclusions, impose expectations on how the connection ought to evolve, and shut it off on the smallest of things. Right here, you consider the connection by a preset (normally ridiculous) commonplace and you might be prepared to shut off something that doesn’t match what you need.

Naturally, a nurturing mindset is the important thing to each discovering love and constructing profitable relationships.

Being Nurturing in My Relationship with Ken

After I came upon that Ken was a heavy drinker (a few week after we reconnected) and a heavy smoker (one other week later), I didn’t shut him off as a prospect.

It wasn’t that these have been acceptable to me; I most positively favor somebody who doesn’t drink nor smoke. Ken wasn’t only a social drinker; he would drink as many as 8 pints a day, 3–4 instances in every week (as a result of that was how usually he was partying). He additionally wasn’t only a smoker however a heavy one who smoked 12–15 cigarettes each day.

Nevertheless, Ken had such an amazing character and massive coronary heart that I didn’t wish to forgo this connection. He was positively essentially the most emotionally suitable particular person I had ever met in my complete life at that time (even as we speak) and I used to be to see the place this connection would result in. I had additionally requested him if he deliberate to give up smoking sooner or later sooner or later to which he mentioned, “Sure, however not now.”

To me, this represented the potential for issues to alter although I wasn’t hanging on to his one assertion nor anticipating him to give up smoking based mostly on this remark.

Additionally, I used to love somebody earlier than whom I later realized was a heavy smoker. That have taught me that simply because somebody smokes (or drinks closely) doesn’t imply that the particular person gained’t be a match. Habits can change however character traits are extra everlasting.

So with Ken, I used to be open to beginning a relationship with him regardless of his consuming and smoking. Whereas they may be points in the long run, I didn’t see them as obstacles to courting nor beginning a relationship. I used to be centered on the current, my current emotions, and the constructive upward potential of a relationship collectively.

Because it turned out, Ken give up smoking one week after we obtained connected and he now drinks only one–2 glasses a month. Did I ask him to do this? No I didn’t. Did I anticipate him to do this? I didn’t both.

All these have been choices he made and acted on himself; I merely supported him in my fullest capability as his then-girlfriend (now fiancee). All I do know is that his adjustments and our relationship as we speak wouldn’t be attainable if I had adopted a terminalistic mindset again then and shut him off due to his private habits.

Be Nurturing in Your Love Journey

The lesson right here isn’t to get connected to people who smoke and drinkers in hopes that they are going to quit smoking and consuming afterwards. It’s to have fun what you see, give attention to constructive potentialities with somebody, and focus in your function in making issues occur.

So, don’t write off connections since you don’t assume something will come out of them. Preserve an open thoughts and coronary heart. Be in contact, let the connections develop, and see what comes out of them. Achieve this with a honest intent to know them higher and construct a connection/friendship, to not suss out romantic potentialities.

With romantic prospects, apart from your high standards being make-or-break elements (see step #9), different issues shouldn’t stand in the way in which. Deal with the best way to make issues work out slightly than ending a connection simply because it’s not going the way in which you need (not counting poisonous connections).

Subsequent Up… How To Know When You’ve Discovered Your One

Get the manifesto model of this text: How To Discover Love [Manifesto]

Subsequent up is the seventh and final a part of the sequence: How To Know When You Have Discovered ‘The One’: 8 Inquiries to Contemplate

That is half 6 of my 7-part sequence the place I share my love journey, how I met my soulmate, and how one can appeal to genuine love as effectively.

(Pictures: Woman’s again, Woman smiling, Woman blowing dandelion, Galaxy, Couple silhouette, Greatest buddies, Yin Yang, Child pointing finger, Flower bud)

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