I Get Nervous When I See an Attractive Guy/Woman. What Should I Do?

(Picture: Common Studios / Leisure Weekly)

Hello Celes, I’ve been studying your weblog since 2 years in the past. Your suggestions are superb and have helped me quite a bit. There’s one downside about me that I haven’t learn in any article on PE or every other website.

That is shameful to confess. Each time I see a good-looking man, I really feel that he ought to like me and fall in love with me. I really feel horrible to suppose like that. I don’t do something to impress the man as a result of I do know it’s mistaken. I’ve a boyfriend and I wish to dwell with him.

I don’t wish to get affected by good-looking males. I don’t need such emotions to exist. What ought to I do? – Kristi

Kristi’s downside raises a really attention-grabbing query for all of us, which is: Why do a few of us really feel nervous, or behave very in another way, after we see good-looking males and delightful ladies?

Think about this: You go to a celebration and also you see somebody good trying. You begin to really feel nervous, in contrast to your self. You ponder chatting with him/her. For guys, perhaps you get sweaty palms. For ladies, perhaps you play coy and hope that the man comes over to speak to you.

Why? Why does your habits change based mostly on the individual’s seems to be? And it doesn’t must be in a celebration setting too. It may be anyplace, at work, when assembly somebody new, when happening a blind date, and so forth. Maybe you see somebody good trying and also you get nervous, excited. In Kristi’s case, she’s anguished by these emotions and she or he doesn’t need them.

The Reality about Magnificence

To grasp why such emotions get triggered, we have to first perceive the elemental reality surrounding magnificence.

The fact is that everybody is gorgeous. Not kind of lovely, however equally lovely. That is one thing that I’ve shared earlier than right here. You’re lovely in your personal means. I’m lovely in my very own means. We’re all uniquely and equally lovely, not kind of than others.

Sadly, this message runs counter to all the pieces you study in at this time’s world. The fundamental message surrounding magnificence at this time is that some persons are extra lovely than others, and a few seems to be are extra enticing than others. Should you don’t look a sure means, you might be deemed ugly and unattractive, and it is best to do all the pieces you possibly can to vary your seems to be to suit a magnificence mildew. Why?

A deep look into the historical past of magnificence tells us that magnificence beliefs traditionally began as a method to separate the have’s and the haven’t’s. When you hint the evolution of magnificence requirements over time, you will notice that

  • Being weighty was considered enticing through the Renaissance period, as meals was scarce throughout these occasions, and solely the wealthy had lots to eat.[1][2]
  • Subsequently, being skinny turned seen as very enticing when meals turned ample and extensively obtainable. As everybody began gaining weight, and folks turned educated about their well being and weight loss program, being skinny turned seen because the gold commonplace.[3]
  • Through the 1800s, very pale pores and skin was seen as lovely as solely the wealthy might afford to not work and keep out of the solar. Pale pores and skin was related to the aristocrats.
  • However when tuberculosis turning into the second-leading reason for loss of life within the U.S. in 1900, and docs in Europe and America started to prescribe sunbathing for tuberculosis, wealthy individuals flocked to resorts to suntan. Tanned pores and skin now turned seen as lovely within the West.[4][5]
  • In historic China, tiny ft turned a logo of magnificence as the one ladies who might painfully bind their ft to maintain them tiny have been from rich households, since they didn’t must work within the fields.[6]
  • Western options like tall nostril bridge, deep-set eyes, truthful pores and skin, and angular options are typically considered extra “lovely” in Asian nations, and you may see this line of thought pervaded in a lot of mass media promoting right here. That is partly as a result of many Asian nations was below the Colonial rule (the Philippines was below Spanish colonization for nearly 400 years for instance), which created a deep-set mentality of white superiority, and an affiliation that Caucasian-like options are “higher” and “extra lovely.” You’ll by no means discover an individual saying that as a result of the conditioning exists at a really implicit degree, however extra within the type of “Such options are extra lovely, and I’m so envious that [Caucasians] have them however not us [Asians].”

As you possibly can see, magnificence requirements have traditionally been used to distinguish one group from one other. The attributes of the prosperous can be used as the place to begin for what was thought of lovely then. The options thought of lovely would change over time, based mostly on no matter was related to the wealthy. This was to sieve out the “elite” and “extra worthy” from the remaining.

How This Pertains to Nervousness Round Engaging Individuals

After all, this segmentation is defective and never true. Whether or not an individual is born with XYZ options has no bearing on their magnificence or value. Each look is gorgeous, and an individual’s value and worth is a lot extra advanced than simply one thing outlined based mostly on how properly an individual conforms to a magnificence look — and this magnificence look is in flip outlined based mostly on socio-economic elements which are exterior of an individual’s management.

This brings me to my important level. Should you really feel nervous round enticing individuals, otherwise you really feel negatively affected by good-looking males (or lovely ladies) like Kristi, it boils right down to your underlying associations with enticing individuals.

Let’s say you’re feeling nervous round lovely ladies. While you dig into this nervousness, maybe you understand lovely ladies as higher, extra worthy than different ladies. Engaging ladies are wanted by different males, and so they flip heads and are desired by many. This makes you’re feeling inferior since you are fearful that in case you’re rejected or spurned by a gorgeous girl, you’ll be seen as awful and undesirable. After all this isn’t true, however your unconscious beliefs are such.

Or let’s say you’re feeling nervous round good-looking males and also you typically want that each good-looking man you meet will discover you and fall in love with you. Why, although? Why would good-looking males make you’re feeling this fashion, however not “common” males? While you dig into this sense, it’s since you understand good-looking males as “higher” than others due to their attractiveness. Women swoon over them; individuals regard them extremely due to their seems to be. They’re the thing of consideration and affection by different ladies (and even males). If a good-looking man falls in love with you, which means that you’re desired, revered, “seen.”

And why would this matter? Since you typically really feel “unseen” in your life. You would like which you could be “seen,” acknowledged, revered. And the eye of somebody who’s seen, fascinating, and revered will make you’re feeling that means.

In both case, is the reply to hunt affirmation from a gorgeous individual? After all not. For some individuals it’s, and so they spend their total lives chasing after the affections of so-and-so enticing individuals, with out ever understanding as a lot because the persona and true self of the individual they’re in love with. The true reply is to know your tales surrounding enticing individuals, and to handle your interior voids triggering these emotions. As a result of it’s your tales surrounding magnificence and your self that you’re reacting to, not the supposed enticing individuals.

For instance, in case you don’t really feel “seen” in your life, perceive why. Perhaps you don’t know who you might be and your house on this world. You’re feeling that you’re following a trajectory in your life that you simply didn’t actually set for your self. Uncovering your interior self, and discovering your life objective and values, is an efficient begin. My Reside a Higher Life in 30 Days Program is a superb kickstarter program to get you transferring towards your best life.

Or let’s say you’re feeling low in self-worth. Perceive why you’ve got a low self-worth. Maybe you have been by no means taught to develop your self-worth, however to look to others’ affections, your standing, and your achievements as a means of validating your identification. A gorgeous girl is sort of a validator of your value, as a result of she is acknowledged as worthy by others. After all this isn’t true since your value shouldn’t be outlined by others, however your self. Learn How To Be The Most Assured Particular person In The World

This is identical for any hole or deficiency you’re feeling within the presence of enticing individuals. If a gorgeous individual makes you’re feeling detrimental, nervous, and even unattractive, perceive why. Dig into this sense. Normally it’s due to an unhealthy perception you’ve got surrounding enticing individuals — maybe that they’re higher, superior, extra worthy, extra fascinating, and so forth. — which isn’t true. Your nervousness mirrors a sense of deficiency in your life. Understanding it, and addressing it from inside, will provide help to take away this infinite push-pull feeling you’ve got when assembly such individuals.


In the long run, your objective is to really feel impartial when assembly “enticing individuals,” simply as you’d with every other individual. Or fairly, to really feel excited assembly them merely since you are excited to satisfy somebody new. You wish to join with individuals authentically, as themselves. To see somebody as who they’re, not based mostly on a fantasy or conditioning. Regardless that majority of society take a look at individuals with tinted glasses based mostly on how they match a magnificence mildew, these individuals additionally wrestle with push-pull emotions of infatuation and projections surrounding enticing/”non-attractive” individuals. In the long run they’re simply residing in their very own psychological projections.

While you do really feel excited, joyful, or nervous once you see somebody, these emotions ought to come out of your private reference to him/her and your real curiosity in him/her, not based mostly on the projections in your thoughts. That’s once you see somebody for who he/she actually is, fairly than what you suppose he/she is. 🙂

Lastly, keep in mind that each look is gorgeous, equally lovely. You could have been taught to understand conventionally good-looking males and delightful ladies as enticing, and they’re certainly enticing individuals. The following step is to open your eyes to see different seems to be as lovely too — as a result of they’re as lovely because the conventionally enticing individuals you see. While you try this, you will notice that everybody is particular, totally different and simply as lovely, and maybe that’s once you really feel nervous/excited assembly everybody — since you are genuinely excited to get to know them and their story, the identical means I really feel once I meet everybody in my life. 🙂

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